I feel horrible.
When I initially came home after my surgery, I was in pain but I was full of hope. I had this feeling of being extremely tired, but as if a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. That feeling is gone. My old friend has returned...that weight, that feeling of walking through deep sand with a huge weight on my back has returned. I'm hurt, but I am no longer upset about it. I was mad when I noticed "the weight" returned. I had this feeling of betrayal and being overwhelmed. I have never gone into detail about exactly how I feel, but I'm compelled to do so this evening. I don't know why I haven't done this before. So here it goes....
I can't sleep most of the time and if I do it's not restful sleep, so I am Mommy, wife, and student in a zombie like state. I wake up in the morning, my heart pounds like its about to come out of my chest. I don't get up quickly because I know from experience that I will faint, so I just wait. My children come in and I slowly get up and I will myself to ignore the pounding. By the time, I make it to the top of my stairs the pounding stops, but by the time I get to the bottom of the stairs, I feel thirsty, dizzy, and weak. Over time, the thirst and dizziness goes away, but there are so many other things that hurt that I don't know for sure if it does go away. I get cross eyed while picking up my children's vitamins and find myself steadying myself most mornings to get it all together. I forget things often, even eating. I have to write down what I am going to make for my children for breakfast, lunch and dinner because mid-way into cooking, I forget what I was doing. When I drive my daughter to school, I talk on the phone to keep myself centered. My eyes don't drift and I feel secure that if something does happen, someone will know. I can't concentrate, so I spend hours doing homework. My body aches to the point that I have to call my husband home somedays because my hips lock up and I can't walk. I fine myself sometimes talking to people and can't remember what they have said even though I am looking directly at them. I have somehow developed this Costochondritis (look it up), which hurts like you have no idea. I have also developed an extreme sensitivity to gluten or maybe even soy. If I eat out, I break out in hives, no matter what. Today, was my first day without a hive break out. I went for 4 days with hives on my face. There are other things too, like the weight, which I can only attribute to depression. I use to be so active. I use to be so full of life and now I feel as if I'm mourning the old me at times.
I went to see my regular doctor (Endo doesn't want to see me until the 13th) and she told me that I needed to find a way to accept that this is my life now. I wanted to slap her, but after thinking about it for a little while, I think she is right. I have to learn to accept it because being sad and angry will not do anything for me. My daughter helped me to learn that in an innocent conversation a while back. I, in my motherly wisdom told her that sadness and anger can kill a person and then I thought about myself. I have to let it go.
In all honesty, most people would be tired in my shoes. I am a stay at-home mother with 2 very active children. I have a husband that I like very much ;) and I take 4 classes at the local community college. Most people in my shoes would be tired, so I have come to realize that a lot of my fatigue is relative to my lifestyle; however, the other symptoms don't fall in the tired mom category. If you read this, would anyone be so kind as to suggest what I should say to the Endo. I'm at a loss. I know it takes time to get medication right after surgery, but I can't go on like this much longer. I'm barely holding on. The bright side is that I got a neck lift out of all this. I'm posting pictures, so they should be below.
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| BEFORE SURGERY |
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| 1 WEEK POST OP |
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| 6 WEEK POST OP |
Thoughts?
One more thing, I find it ironic that my appointment with the Veteran's Affairs Endocrinologist is at the end of the month. This appointment was made back in April I believe. I have no thyroid. I am happy to cancel my appointment for someone else, but I still think its a damn shame what they are doing to veterans.
